Pregnancy After Miscarriage
When preparing for or experiencing pregnancy after miscarriage it’s important to remember that the journey is physical, spiritual, mental and emotional. There is not one thing to do, or one way to be, it is our unique journey.
As with any pregnancy we come face to face with fears that we never knew we would have or emotions that might take us by surprise, but this too is normal, natural and can even be a great gift.
After I miscarried the second time I found myself online doing quite a bit of research about miscarriage, first in how to handle it, then in how to move on from it and avoid it in the future. Though a lot of what I learned was we usually don't have a "reason", what I found so surprising was how many women had posted in forums about going into their next pregnancy with so much fear and I decided before we dove into our next pregnancy I wanted to have dealt with as many of the emotions, fears and blocks as I could.
I found this actually harder than imagined because during the miscarriage I couldn’t imagine going through pregnancy again, but shortly thereafter my desire for a baby won out over the possible risks and it momentarily felt like I was in a mad rush for a baby. The good news for me was that in my partnership with my husband, we talked about it and wanted us both to be on the same page and “ready” before we opened up once again to conception and a new baby.
Of course things will come up with each pregnancy, I haven’t met a woman yet who said she didn’t have some unexpected fear come up while pregnant, (though I would be glad to meet her!) but there are so many options in what we do with them. Most importantly there isn’t just one aspect (like fear) in preparing or embracing pregnancy after miscarriage…it is multi-faceted…of course.
Physical Aspects of Pregnancy After Miscarriage:
Depending on how far along you were when you miscarried, it might take you longer for your body to physically support another pregnancy, or to even entertain the idea. When we miscarried at 5/6 weeks, we had one period and then we were both ready to go again… when we carried our baby for 12 weeks and then miscarried, I wasn’t physically ready until many months after wards, nor was my partner even ready to discuss it for some time after wards.
For starters, it took me at least a month to feel “normal” as far as everyday exercise and energy levels. I also found the miscarriage had brought up some old trauma that my body was still holding that I wanted to deal with before entering another pregnancy. Then there were some things I had on my to do list before experiencing conception again, including opening a tear duct and finding ways to support the liver, as I’d read how important the liver is during pregnancy and had been told by past healers that my liver needed support.
Then I was experiencing some pain during sex. I decided I didn’t want to try again until we were physically capable of enjoying making love without pain, because I think this was a way for my body to protect itself and to show me some of the fear lingering in creating and saying yes to new life. I felt this was symbolic...that when I could be together with my husband joyfully and freely sexually, then I was also emotionally ready to open to new life.
As you can see, there was a lot of physical healing that needed to take place before I felt ready to go again. But remember, the body is just acting out our mental beliefs, so we can easily see if there’s some belief we need to work with. And there is the possibility that you may be ready and don’t want or need to wait. The important thing is to listen and respect your body and your partner’s wishes, honoring all of our needs and desires are vital.
Mental Aspects of Pregnancy After Miscarriage:
If there is a belief that isn’t helping us as we prepare for pregnancy after miscarriage, they are easy to spot! When we look out for the thoughts that make us cry or that make us angry or even just slightly “off”, we can easily spot our limiting beliefs. Those that make us happy and joyful, we can merrily keep, but if they’re making us upset, this is the best time to deal with them.
Remember, our children come through us and so they pick up all these little things like our beliefs, and apply them to themselves without us trying too hard. In fact as much as my mom tried to pass on a belief that “I am worthy”, she didn’t because the truth doesn’t lie. She didn’t believe it for herself, nor did her mother for herself, and all of the daughters just swam in the juices of their mothers and picked up their deep-seated beliefs. This is what happens in pregnancy, before our little ones are born they have a whole idea of what the world is like (i.e. you can’t trust anyone or the world is so beautiful) that comes from ripening in their mom’s beliefs.
And this belief “I am not worthy” and “I am not capable” is certainly not something I want to pass along to my daughter, or my son, so after the miscarriage as I found a lot of victim mentality and I am unworthy mentality coming up and raising its head so I decided now was the time to deal with it.
Now, through my life coaching training I’ve learned to spot these and face them head on and I encourage you to do the same. Recently, one of my favorite ways is to use the “Is it true?” question series from Byron Katie’s The Work. And then because in most cases it’s not, to realize what that thought is doing to me (angry or upset), to envision my life without the thought (it really feels powerful). And then to turn the thought around, i.e. I am worthy. I create with ease and grace!
At the heart of it our beliefs are behind all of our emotions and our physical manifestations and that’s why it’s so vital to face those that aren’t helping us before or as we dive into a pregnancy after miscarriage.
Emotional Aspects of Pregnancy After Miscarriage:
Which brings us into the emotional aspects of pregnancy after miscarriage. Since when we are pregnant our babies are swimming in our physical juices and our emotional vibrations, they are absorbing everything by osmosis. So if we are scared out of our wits that we’re going to lose the baby, think of all the anxiety and worry and downright scariness we are passing along to our babies.
Now if you’re already pregnant and scared, don’t just give yourself a hard time, but find ways to help yourself relax and trust in your body and yourself once again. I not only picked up my regular practices of meditation, unwinding and yoga. I also used Byron Katie’s process frequently, and I downloaded a hypnosis session on pregnancy after miscarriage. In the download it reminded me that pregnancy is a body function that we don’t have to understand to partake in. As I’ve written before, we don’t have to know how to poop to do it. If the need is there, there is nothing that can get in the way! Now we can support our bodies in appropriate ways, but other than that, when it’s time for the baby to leave the womb, it’s time (this is why it's so important to wait for the baby to make it's move instead of inducing).
Same goes for miscarriage, most times there isn’t a fault, it’s just what happened because it needed to happen. So, the body learns what it needs to and moves forward with more experience into the next pregnancy. Having a miscarriage, or even several does not guarantee another or disqualify you for another (though it becomes less and less likely with each subsequent miscarriage). The importance is in being present for each moment for that is what we are experiencing always...this present moment and for being open to any support that we feel we need. There is no shame in asking for help, and if we keep our eyes open what we need usually lands in our laps once we see what areas we need help in.
Spiritual Aspects of Pregnancy After Miscarriage:
Which leads me to the spiritual aspects of pregnancy after miscarriage. The fact is, even we don’t have control in someone else’s comings and goings. There is a season for everything, and just because we want the flowers to bloom doesn’t mean they will do so in the cold of winter. To have our desires of motherhood and to offer our selves as the vehicle for our babies to come through is our part, to let our babies decide how and when is their part. And we will all be deciding on a level that goes beyond our verbal say-so. Meaning: surrender. It is the biggest lesson of parenthood and life, and right now is the best time to start.
Maintaining our desire and faith that we deserve our desires while at the same time not putting our foot down and stomping it with impatience is the key to enjoying the game of life, fertility and parenthood. In Louise Hay’s book Heal Your Body, the affirmation for miscarriage is “Divine right action is always taking place in my life. I love and approve of myself. All is well.”
I found this so comforting because it means my miscarriage wasn’t a mistake or my fault, that it was “divine right action” and that this next pregnancy is “divine right action” taking place for as long as this baby is in the womb. To me it means I can do my best, which is perfect for me, and then relax into divine right action. I don’t have to know the hows, whys or why nots, nor do I have to “fix myself”. But I can rest in happiness in this moment knowing divine right action is taking place, while doing any divine right action that I feel I need to support myself. How renewing, inspiring and calming, for me it is a big relief.
Wherever you are on the journey to pregnancy after miscarriage, whether just starting down that path or already pregnant, I encourage you to do the work. If we stew and don’t deal with what comes up, it will only bite us in the ass because we will have passed it down to our children before they are even born, plus we will carry it into parenthood when our babes are outside our wombs in our arms. To be ourselves and love ourselves, and this moment is a gift worth allowing, and that doesn’t have to be dependent on whether or not we’ve miscarried in the past, whether or not we’re pregnant now, or even "knowing" everything is okay. It has to do with you and me looking at our selves honestly and knowing divine right action is always taking place in our lives; that we love and approve of our selves and all is well! Blessings.
Pregnancy After Miscarriage to Trying to Conceive Main Page.
Pregnancy After Miscarriage to Miscarriage Main Page.