Miscarriage Has Meaning, Our Babies Have Meaning

Miscarriage is an experience that some of us will experience, and some of us may even experience it several times. It can be harrowing, it can be frightening, and it can leave us with a loss, which is often difficult to process.

I had wanted to be pregnant for a very long time, even though we’d only recently opened to conception, when I experienced my first miscarriage.

With so much joy we told my mom (who had just arrived to help with our wedding in less than a week) we were expecting and the very next day I started spotting… for days I didn’t know if it would pass or if our baby would pass. Then it turned into real bleeding and still I didn’t know.

Am I Miscarrying...or NOT!?

I consulted a midwife and she recommended I take False Unicorn to help it along “one way or the other”, and I consulted my trusted friends, how much bleeding is just bleeding? How much is a miscarriage? Read more on the signs of miscarriage. From their responses I was encouraged, maybe it wasn’t a miscarriage… and so the days passed with the bleeding continuing. I took my first two pregnancy tests: positive!

I was having some cramping and was told to take it as easy as possible, but we were going through a wedding, so really easy just wasn’t possible. But I rested and got lots of loving from my fiancé and mom! My girlfriend and my sister came into help and gave me even more encouragement.

Days pass and now we were married and my husband was sure I was still pregnant, I remember telling my mom, “I just don’t feel like my boobs are still pregnant, and I’m not sensitive to my bath being hot anymore!” (Read more on natural miscarriage & what to expect.)

I could have trusted that feeling, but I didn’t, I chose to trust the pregnancy test, and of course all the hopes that I had that I was still pregnant! Finally a few days after the bleeding I felt I needed to take a test because my mind was going crazy and I just didn’t feel pregnant any more, and the test confirmed I’d had a miscarriage.

The Healing Journey

I cried, but I also knew we’d have our baby when the time was right. I believe on a spiritual level that we go through things for a reason, so I asked myself why? Not why me (as in a victim), but why did I choose to participate in this? I truly believe we at some level choose everything, every little thing, and so I drew comfort from this and began to go within. I looked for the gift in the experience.

And I pampered myself. (Coping with Miscarriage gives more ideas like these if you're here.) Everyone had finally left after the wedding, so I went to get a message from a friend who is also intuitive and an energy healer. I shed a few tears with her, and expressed the hurt I’d found in me. And she expressed back that my baby had started a body that wouldn’t do all it needed, so it was still near me, still wanted to come through me. She helped me on my healing journey and reminded me that I could still communicate with this beautiful spirit. Oh the relief.

And yet, my healing from the miscarriage wasn’t complete. Time moved on and I had my first period after miscarriage, I was just waiting until we would ovulate again. It was a bit later when I was reading Guiditta Tornetta’s book called Painless Childbirth that she encourages those of us who’ve lost souls to write letters. Write letters to the baby, write letters to ourselves, write letters to anyone involved, God, doctors, anyone that we hold anger or hurt with, or even to express bottled up love too.

And so it was early one morning when I woke up with the little one on my mind that I sat down and wrote a letter, one to my baby and one to myself, that I felt my higher self/guides would say to me. As I sit here and re-read them, tears spring up. I can feel all the love I wanted to share with my baby in the physical, and I can feel myself giving it out in the emotional/spiritual.

Time moved on, and we became pregnant again, I was blessed with several dreams that told me of the coming pregnancy and our little girl revealing herself to me. We were so excited and dove into morning sickness, fatigue and all my body's changes. Then 2 days shy of three months I see spotting and immediately I start to worry, I asked my higher self to reveal to me in my dreams if there is something I should know, if a miscarriage is happening. I have two dreams which show me big drama, but then everything turning out okay.

Shit! Another Miscarriage.

I misinterpret it, with all my hopes that the baby is fine, and I think we will make it through. No less than a week later a full birth is happening at the house. It's only three months and with this natural miscarriage we go through contractions, transition, we go through labor and right in the middle of it I start to be overwhelmed because I just don't want to be doing this right then! I wanted to keep our baby, I wanted to deliver our little girl at 9 months! I wanted her in-arms for the first six months, I wanted her to sleep beside me...

I quickly realize the pain is because I am resisting the miscarriage. So I call on my husband to get my meditation cd, and we go camp on the toilet. I really hear the first words, "Let go. Let go of the need to control." It fades into the background, and then out of another place I start to chant, "Ahhh", and I start to talk to my body telling it "it's okay to open", very quickly it responds and lets our little angel go.

I suddenly get cold and am ready to get into bed. I rest for a bit and then repeat a few more times this process of letting my body open, letting more of my baby go.

It took such intense focus and allowing that it wasn't until later when my husband asked if I wanted to call my mom that I started bawling. The reality came that with this miscarriage, there would be no baby to hold. The emotions came, and in waves the tears would appear, then leave. The process of grieving was even more involved with this loss, and yet still I used letter writing, writing in general, and pampering myself to help me heal. Healing from miscarriage takes effort, but true healing is always possible.

For days, the blood loss and the loss of the baby left me in a daze, just laying for hours looking out the window, or sitting on the balcony in such stillness. But little by little, the body starts to heal, then the emotion turned from numb to rage. The first time I wrote after the miscarriage, it wasn't planned. Normally I write every morning, but since the miscarriage, I hadn't been able to. Several days later, everyone was out of the house and anger suddenly raised it's head. FUCK< FUCK: FUCK THIS! That's what came up, then screams, then sobs. It was a release I had been waiting days for without knowing.

Learning to Flow

Again, I kept healing, healing on the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. I wrote to god, what is the purpose of this? I thought I'd had the world figured out, cause and effect, what you envision occurs, god is a part of everything, and according to all this, nothing bad would have happened in the joyous space I was in. So what god? what's the deal? My answer came like a soft knowing, it's not up to us to control, other people make choices too. It's up to us to flow. Flow with life, flow with the turns the river takes us on, flow with life and death, for all of this is a part of life. Yes, have your vision, yes, have your vibration of peace and FLOW. Yes, god is a part of this too.

A friend shared with me a book called Ended Beginnings, in it, there was a woman who shared her story of her baby who died around 4 weeks after birth, her story held such insight, she was writing her story when pregnant again, and she said, yes she had lots of emotions, some fears, but what she knew most, is she viewed pregnancy different, that her idea of perfection had changed to whatever this child needs. It touched me, because to me all those stories reminded me we are not guaranteed that our children will outlive us, nor that they will be perfect as our society deems perfection, but our role is to be there, to open to them, and to be what they need...love, for however long they need it.

For some of us that means a little bit of pregnancy, for some of our children that means 2 weeks or 2 years and for some of them it means they will see us on our deathbeds. For some of us that means that we will end up adopting and giving our motherly love to children that are already here, ready to receive it. And that these things are not punishment, or reward for good behavior. When we open to life, we 100% open to death, we just don't always know before hand when death will come or when life will come. But death and life, like any door is a transition into a new place.

I share this with all of you to encourage you, if you’re in the process, if you’ve miscarried or if you're preparing for pregnancy after miscarriage to allow yourself to spend time feeling whatever it is you feel. I felt mostly sad and impatient with the first one and even felt angry, alone and devastated with the second. Knowing that we are right to feel whatever it is we feel is imperative, imperative to being able to look through it and one day move out the other side.

Write letters for Yourself!

Write to doctor/midwives if we blame doctors/midwives for our miscarriage, write to husbands, partners, ourselves, stairs, god or whatever it is we blame or want to express too, whoever we have things to say too. Write to our babies to tell them how we loved them or are angry at them, how we wanted to hold them. Write to see what it is we really feel and say “yes, here it is, this is it.” Right now, this is what I feel. It doesn’t mean it will always be that way.

Many of us feel we can’t explore all that emotion, so we have to push it away otherwise we can’t survive it. EXPRESS! Cry, shout, hit pillows. But do it in a way that is not aimed towards someone else. We can always express ourselves, we just need to make sure it's in a safe place where we will be supported by others, or where we'll have the privacy we need to support ourselves. In reality, the pushing away of emotion is so much harder than the allowing. Allow and we see the awareness is in us, the way to make it through such things is within us.

Awareness also allows us to respond instead of react. When we don’t look, we may automatically find some fault in ourselves that brought us all the misery, or just want to slap all the people involved. But when we can look at it and see it without being consumed by it, our eyes may see something altogether different… there is a path of love and compassion in there. A path that brings us gifts rather than the path that brings us just misery (if we keep holding onto the loss).

From one mother to another, I send you blessings of love on your healing from miscarriage. May we, and all those lives our babies touched, experience enough healing to continue to send love and acceptance of all circumstances to our little angels.

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