Coping With Miscarriage: A Sacred Opportunity
Coping with miscarriage can be a very difficult time with all the hormonal changes, body changes and life changes that we are absorbing and adjusting too. It is important for us to realize that every person is unique, and that we all process loss differently.
The important part of coping with miscarriage is to take the time and allow ourselves to go through whatever we need to. Some of us need to scream, some need to write, some need to paint, some need exercise, some need to plow up the garden, some need to just lay in bed and gaze out at the trees. And at different times we may need all these things.
In coping with miscarriage, I found each moment to be different. I also found that my husband and closest supporters were all going through unique processes also. We cannot ask them to process like us, but we can ask for the support we need! I encourage you to find trusted supporters, even if all you can find it a blank piece of paper, we want to make sure we’re expressing to people who hold our highest intentions, people who will support us with healing, not those who will drag us down to the pit.
During my own processing, I came up with a Miscarriage To Do list! I want to encourage you to explore the list and keep it handy. We can heal, but it is the mind, body and spirit all together that must heal! In this healing, some things might feel more comfortable at different times, so that’s why I encourage you to keep it handy and be willing to explore. Our little ones do not want us to suffer when they are not suffering. They do not want us to hang onto their spirits in grief and desperation.
I feel it can be our truth, and it is our work to heal ourselves so that all we have to send our little babes are love, light and beauty…in our thoughts, in our bodies and in our emotions. It may not happen overnight, but it can happen. I send you love on your journey of coping with miscarriage, remember you are never alone, and we are never the only ones who’ve felt these feelings, been overwhelmed and wanted to heal. Take my To-Do List and use the parts when and where you feel these ideas may help you. Also explore the article on
pregnancy loss: lessons learned
to see how my views have shifted as I look back on my miscarriage anniversaries and what I've found through these experiences. Blessings.
Coping with Miscarriage To-Do-List:
1. Taking Our Time
Of course none of us like being sad or coping with miscarriage, we’d rather be having fun… But, as we wise ones know, there is a time for every season, every emotion, and every experience we shall have in life. Don’t be pressed to move one, when the time is right and we’ve cried all the tears we need…then we will be ready. Sometimes our tears are the highest expression of our love. Supporting ourselves by taking the time we need to really experience it is vital to coping with miscarriage and true healing.
2. Remembering Our Rituals…
The body has been through a lot, especially if we were further along in our pregnancy. Now, we may want to drop all the nourishing things we were doing for our baby, but in my experience it’s equally important for us now to rub the lotion on our bellies and our breasts and to thank them. It’s equally important for us now to thank our womb for doing its work so beautifully. I also enjoyed putting essential oils on my belly and between my breasts and breathing deeply of them, patchouli and peppermint were my favorites. Finding/keeping nourishing rituals nourishes our bodies and calls us back in.
3. EAT WELL.
Especially greens to help rebuild our blood and live (vibrant) fruits and veggies to give us all the goodness that helps rebalance our bodies and our emotions. It doesn’t have to be perfect; but supportive, life-affirming food is what seems most important to me when coping with miscarriage.
4. Call on the Troops!
It’s so necessary to call on what we need. We need to pick the energy wisely of who we want to be around and who is going to help us, not by having a pity party, but by crying with us when we need and laughing with us too. If we know someone is going to bring us stress, do not call them! Now is the time to be selfish and take care of ourselves, call on those who can handle us sharing our honest selves. We need to give ourselves space, and we need to give ourselves support, so allowing ourselves to balance these two things is vital in coping with miscarriage.
Exercise gives us all those feel good endorphins and yummy rushes that we need in healing. Listening to our body to know how much is the right amount is important. Later in the day of my miscarriage, I could only walk to the end of the driveway because of all the blood loss, but I needed to do that because I had been in bed all day. So, I listened and I walked, and every day I got a bit farther… and one day I realized my body wanted really intense work to help heal more, so I went to a yoga class and went the next day for a run. Listening to our bodies, we help ourselves heal.
6. Find the Rightness in Every Emotion.
The fact is, before we can once again be in joy and bliss in the journey of coping with miscarriage, most of us will need to go through anger and frustration, acceptance and appreciation…and lots of emotions in between, several times. We are right to have these emotions wherever we are… however, emotions are a reflection of our beliefs, our thoughts.
For example, I started bawling because of my thought “I’d lost my baby.” But using Byron Katie’s work we can examine this, ask ourselves if this is true or not... and see that there is no way to say that this is truth, beyond doubt. And if we can’t know that it’s true we can’t hold onto the belief. The fact is I gained a baby, a pregnancy and a gift of loving this little one while it was with me. I also believe that our little ones are only a thought away, I talk to her, send love to her and don’t think any of that is wasted. It is a big part of my coping with miscarriage, it even shakes a few more tears loose.
If we find ourselves getting easily frustrated/emotional in response to others or situations (like I did), really look at what it is you’re thinking that’s so upsetting. Our losses often trigger past hurts that resurface, so not only are we coping with miscarriage, we are also healing older traumas. This takes a willingness within us to go to the depths and really look. Honor yourself with the opportunity.
7. Pamper, Pamper Pamper!
Coping with miscarriage is the perfect opportunity to dive into healing by pampering. It is easy once emotionally depressed or sad to have a hard time breaking that rhythm. If we pamper ourselves, we will more easily remember that pleasure and joy is where we rightfully belong, and our spirits will help pull us back there. I love working with the body, the day after our second miscarriage, I was already having someone do IET (a form of energy work) on me as I laid in bed at home, and at least once a week (for a long while) thereafter I got some form of bodywork done.
I am not a shopper and my first outing was to buy me something special, something beautiful as an outside reminder that there are beautiful things in life to be appreciated. Plus I wanted pretty new underwear for when I stopped bleeding. I also bought my husband a massage, because even though I do massage, I didn’t have the energy to give, and I wanted him to be pampered after all he went through too! It wasn’t just me who lost a dream, it wasn’t just me coping with miscarriage. Other pampering ideas: day at the spa, meditate, having a hair cut, drinking tea out in nature, rubbing olive or coconut oil all over the body. The first day where I didn’t have to wear a pad for the bleeding I rubbed coconut oil all over me and laid in bed totally nude. It felt wonderful! My body felt liberated.
8. Rediscover the Clitoris.
Sex between me and my husband was wonderfully celebrated before pregnancy and so it was odd for me after pregnancy to have little desire for sex. My body just wasn’t healed enough for a penis to be inserted, plus I needed to rediscover my body for myself, to take the energy I was sharing with baby and reclaim it. To pleasure my clitoris was like reclaiming my body and my energy as my own after the experience that it went through.
At a time when I was alone I took some of that coconut oil and massaged my clitoris and my breasts. Though some of us aren’t used to pleasuring ourselves, I encourage you to do what you need to reclaim your body as your own so that when you’re ready you may share it freely. For me, this was another step to reawakening to pleasure... Life does go on, and it can go on in a pleasurable way if we choose it. Repeat as often as pleasurable!
There is nothing quite like cleaning out the space to bring in new vitality and energy after a miscarriage. When we find we once again have the energy, clean, clean, clean. It’s wonderful to go through the house and give away what we can when we are coping with miscarriage. It opens us up for new gifts and blessings.
10. Artistic Expression.
I love to write, of course. And so writing was deeply important on my healing journey. It was very telling that for several days after the miscarriage I didn’t pick up my pen, when I normally do so every morning. And when I finally did, it transformed my depression into anger and let it all come spilling out! I wrote to god, I wrote to the baby, I wrote and received guidance. What wonderful therapy. Some like to sing, some like to paint, whatever it is we do, we have to let our brains and our censoring selves get out of the way and let our truths flow.
11. Nature, Nature, Nature.
Nature is a salve that heals even the deepest wounds. Making time to get out in nature is very healing to many of us, if not all of us. Whether it’s the energy of the ocean, the power in the mountains, or even the grounding of a grassy yard, letting nature do it’s magic isn’t something we need to understand to benefit from. Nature is alive, it is ever-moving, and in it’s rhythms we heal. Let Mother Earth support you, let her feed your soul and we shall not wither but blossom.
12. Sharing Our Love.
One of the hardest things, in my opinion, after miscarriage is we have all this love that we were planning on giving to our babies, and now we don’t have them to give it to in a physical sense, no little one to hold. We can look for other outlets to share this love, one might be pets, I have three, so I focused on giving them lots of caresses and love. A friend of mine got a puppy when grieving for her loss. We might find other venues to give our love, like to children in need. I know many of us find it difficult to see moms and be around babies when coping with a miscarriage, hopefully we heal past this soon enough. I don’t think we should rush it, but there are lots of babies and children out in the world who could use our love. Whoever it might be with, look for ways to share that very physical love. It can only give back to us ten-fold when we share ourselves.
13. Let Go.
“Let go. Let go of the need to control.” This is the start of
my meditation cd.
It’s what I heard that first helped me to relax and open up enough to have the miscarriage naturally, it’s also what I realized I have to do so that I may celebrate the life and spirit of our little one without being dragged down by pain. Letting go of the pain doesn’t always happen overnight, for me it seemed to be in waves, but letting go is what’s needed in coping with miscarriage.
I shall leave you on a note from Conscious Conception (pg. 393), which Jeannine Parvati Baker has taken from the Holistic Child Guidance Course. In coping with miscarriage, it says, “it is this last stage of mourning which is the relinquishment. The couple must be willing to send the soul back to get more strength to come back, or be able to relinquish the soul entirely to another plane without clinging. The hardest thing in the world is to let go, especially of a dream or an emotional entanglement. To relinquish, the father and mother may place the lost child with a guardian angel, or hold the child’s birthday and beauty, which becomes a part of their mind and heart. But this is a relinquishing into a spiritual place. Particularly for the mother the support and understanding of her mate will enable her to accept and relinquish the child.”
To trust and surrender to the highest good of all is to let go of all suffering, to let go of unnecessary pain and to let go of others as “ours”. Children, mates, pets, friends, they are in our lives as gifts, they are not “ours” to keep for our own happiness. Allow the gift to be there when it’s good for the gift, accept it and celebrate it… and let go of the gift when it needs to move on. In this way, we shall only experience blessings and gifts. In this way, we can accept the gift and celebrate it, even at it’s parting.
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